


The Comedy of Errors

by Voidish



Series: Random shenanigan maker [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: 1920's slang, Crack Treated Seriously, Dean and his guns, Detective Dean Winchester, Detective Sam Winchester, Evil Chuck Shurley, Gen, M/M, Vampire Emperor Chuck the First and the Last, idk what else to tag, if Supernatural was Drake and Josh, lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-17
Updated: 2020-02-17
Packaged: 2021-02-28 07:07:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,312
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22769818
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Voidish/pseuds/Voidish
Summary: OK so I was trying out random movie script generators and couldn't NOT share my result here.Warning:(Not-so)disturbing imagery ahead. You may suffer from wheezing or smothered gigglesFeaturing: Detective Winchesters talking like it's 1920, or like it's Drake and JoshPrince Castielevil vampire emperor Chuck the First and the Lastthe fact that Dean can be seduced by Fruit LoopsLet the crack begin.
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester, Chuck Shurley & Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester
Series: Random shenanigan maker [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1640257
Comments: 4
Kudos: 8





	The Comedy of Errors

**Author's Note:**

> In a script INT. and EXT. stand for “interior” and “exterior.” Basically, any time the scene takes place inside a building, you use INT. the scene header. If you're outside, you use EXT.  
> Keep this in mind while reading. 
> 
> This crack doesn't belong to me. It's the property of our lord Eric Kripke. May he never let Supernatural end, A-woman.

**EXT. A GREASY DINER - AFTERNOON**

Funny monster hunter DETECTIVE DEAN WINCHESTER is arguing with kind royal PRINCE CASTIEL. DEAN tries to hug CASTIEL but he shakes him off.

DEAN  
Please Cas, don't leave me.

CASTIEL  
I'm sorry Dean, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces his fears head-on, instead of running away.

DEAN  
I _am_ such a person!

CASTIEL frowns.

CASTIEL  
I'm sorry, Dean. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.

CASTIEL leaves.

DEAN sits down, looking defeated.

Moments later learned hunter DETECTIVE SAM WINCHESTER barges in looking flustered.

DEAN  
Goodness, Sam! Is everything okay?

SAM  
I'm afraid not.

DEAN  
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...

SAM  
It's ... a vampire ... I saw an evil vampire suck the blood of a bunch of sweet old ladies!

DEAN  
_Defenseless,_ sweet, old ladies?

SAM  
Yes, defenseless _,_ sweet, old ladies!

DEAN  
Bloomin' heck, Sam! We've got to do something.

SAM  
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.

DEAN  
You can start by telling me where this happened.

SAM  
I was...

SAM fans himself and begins to wheeze.

DEAN  
Focus Sam, focus! Where did it happen?

SAM  
Kings Cross Station, London! That's right - Kings Cross Station, London!

DEAN springs up and begins to run.

**EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS**

DEAN rushes along the street, followed by SAM. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.

**INT. KINGS CROSS STATION, LONDON - SHORTLY AFTER**

Chuck THE FIRST AND THE LAST a destructive vampire terrorizes two sweet old ladies.

DEAN, closely followed by Sam, rushes towards Chuck, but suddenly stops in his tracks.

SAM  
What is is? What's the matter?

DEAN  
That's not just any old vampire, that's Chuck the first and the last!

SAM  
Who's Chuck the first and the last?

DEAN  
Who's Chuck the first and the last? _Who's Chuck the first and the last?_ Only the most destructive vampire in the universe!

SAM  
Blinkin' knickers, Dean! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most destructive vampire in the universe!

DEAN  
You can say that again.

SAM  
Blinkin' knickers, Dean! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most destructive vampire in the universe!

DEAN  
I'm going to need guns, lots of guns.

Chuk turns and sees Dean and Sam. He grins an evil grin.

CHUCK  
Dean Winchester, we meet again.

SAM  
You've met?

DEAN  
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...

**EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME**

A young DEAN is sitting in a park listening to some rock music when suddenly a dark shadow casts over him.

He looks up and sees CHUCK. He takes off his headphones.

CHUCK  
Would you like some Fruit Loops?

DEAN's eyes light up, but then he studies CHUCK more closely and looks uneasy.

DEAN  
I don't know, you look kind of destructive.

CHUCK  
Me? No. I'm not destructive. I'm the least destructive vampire in the world.

DEAN  
Wait, you're a vampire?

DEAN runs away, screaming.

**INT. KINGS CROSS STATION, LONDON - PRESENT DAY**

CHUCK  
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.

SAM  
(To DEAN) You ran away?

DEAN  
(To SAM) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?

DEAN turns to CHUCK.

DEAN  
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!

DEAN runs away.

He turns back and shouts.

DEAN  
I mean, I _am_ running away, but I'll be back - _with guns_.

CHUCK  
I'm not scared of you.

SAM  
You should be.

**INT. A LIBRARY - LATER THAT DAY**

DEAN and SAM walk around searching for something.

DEAN  
I feel sure I left my guns somewhere around here.

SAM  
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly guns.

DEAN  
You know nothing, Sam Winchester.

SAM  
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.

Suddenly, CHUCK appears, holding a pair of guns.

CHUCK  
Looking for something?

SAM  
Crikey, Dean, he's got your guns.

DEAN  
Tell me something I don't already know!

SAM  
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.

DEAN  
I know that already!

SAM  
I listen to Celine Dion. And I like it.

CHUCK  
(appalled) Dude!

While CHUCK is looking at SAM with disgust, DEAN lunges forward and grabs his deadly guns. He wields them, triumphantly.

DEAN  
Prepare to die, you destructive turnip!

CHUCK  
No please! All I did was suck the blood of a bunch of sweet old ladies!

CASTIEL enters, unseen by any of the others.

DEAN  
I cannot tolerate that kind of behavior! Those sweet old ladies were defenseless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Dean Winchester defender of innocent sweet old ladies.

CHUCK  
Don't hurt me! Please!

DEAN  
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these guns on you right away!

CHUCK  
Because Dean, I am your father.

DEAN looks stunned for a few moments but then collects himself.

DEAN  
No you're not!

CHUCK  
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.

CHUCK tries to grab the guns but DEAN dodges out of the way.

DEAN  
Who's the daddy now? Huh? _Huh?_

Unexpectedly, CHUCK slumps to the ground.

SAM  
Did he just faint?

DEAN  
I think so. Well, that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly guns.

DEAN crouches over CHUCK's body.

SAM  
Be careful, Dean. It could be a trick.

DEAN  
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Chuck the first and the last is dead!

SAM  
What?

DEAN  
Yes, it appears that I scared him to death.

SAM claps his hands.

SAM  
So your guns did save the day, after all.

CASTIEL steps forward.

CASTIEL  
Is it true? Did you kill that destructive vampire?

DEAN  
Castiel how long have you been...?

CASTIEL puts his arm around DEAN.

CASTIEL  
Long enough.

DEAN  
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Chuck the first and the last.

CASTIEL  
Then the sweet old ladies are safe?

DEAN  
It does seem that way!

A crowd of vulnerable sweet old ladies enters, looking relieved.

CASTIEL  
You are their hero.

The sweet old ladies bow to DEAN.

DEAN  
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Chuck the first and the last will never suck blood ever again is enough for me.

CASTIEL  
You are humble as well as brave!

One of the sweet old ladies passes DEAN a shiny underwear

CASTIEL  
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.

DEAN  
I couldn't possibly.

Pause.

DEAN  
Well, if you insist.

DEAN takes the underwear.

DEAN  
Thank you.

The sweet old ladies bow their heads once more and leave.

DEAN turns to CASTIEL.

DEAN  
Does this mean you want me back?

CASTIEL  
Oh, Dean, of course, I want you back!

DEAN smiles for a few seconds but then looks defiant.

DEAN  
Well, you can't have me.

CASTIEL  
_WHAT?_

DEAN  
You had no faith in me. You had to see me scare a vampire to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.

CASTIEL  
But...

DEAN  
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Sam.

SAM grins.

CASTIEL  
But...

SAM  
You heard the gentleman. Now be off with you. Skedaddle! Shoo!

CASTIEL  
Dean?

DEAN  
I'm sorry Castiel, but I think you _should_ skedaddle.

CASTIEL leaves.

SAM turns to DEAN.

SAM  
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?

DEAN  
Of course you are!

The two walk off arm in arm.

Suddenly SAM stops.

SAM  
When I said I listen to Celine Dion. And I like it, you know I was just trying to distract the vampire, don't you?

THE END


End file.
